Part I – How Mexican Bamboos Can Make Joe Biden a Genius

by Bobby Reyes

Vietnam Pavilion at Expo Milano 2015 designed by Vo Trong Nghia Architects with associate architect Takashi Niwa | Photo Fred Romero/flickr.com

On Oct. 3, 2016, I posted a lead paragraph in the CNNKuno Facebook Group, which is our site for satires, that reads:
“Mexico has agreed to the idea of building a wall along its border with the U.S. But abadaw, Mexico says the wall must consist of live bamboo and moringa trees. Now, Donald Trump must supply Mexico with bamboo shoots and moringa seedlings that can thrive in the desert’s summer heat and survive freezing temps during the winter. It will be Mexico’s contribution to the fight against Global Warming.”

The word abadaw is a Sorsoganon (Filipino) term that means in English, “Holy Cow” or “Holy Mackerel” or “Holy Sh_t.”

As a satire, my post was comic relief for my friends and readers. But then a Filipino American friend, who has a farm in Kern County of C.A., told me that the idea of using bamboos and the moringa as border-wall components was an act of genius. He kidded me that this was better than my earlier version of a Theory of Relativity. He was referring to a hypothesis that I postulated: That “the richer and more popular a person gets; the more people claim to be his (or her) relatives.” No wonder some friends call me the Filipino Einstein. However, some of my adversaries dub me as “crazy as Mr. Trump.”

My farmer-informant friend said that many Filipino American families in California now plant bamboos and moringa (or malungay in many Filipino languages and dialects) and use them as their fences. And he told me about a Mexican bamboo species that thrives well in winter, summer, and year-round. But to use both plants as “border walls” is either an act of genius or a crazy Trumpian idea.

The Chusquea septentrionalis is a new bamboo species endemic to Durango, México. It is the cold-weather hardiest Mexican bamboo species. I said that I was thinking of cross-breeding the many Mexican bamboos with the bamboo that thrives well in winter in China, and that is the staple of the panda bears.

“And he told me about a Mexican bamboo species that thrives well in winter, summer, and year-round. But to use both plants as “border walls” is either an act of genius or a crazy Trumpian idea.”

President Trump became the “accidental POTUS” by winning in 2016 the states of Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin by a total of roughly 77,700 votes. So I decided — for the sake of the environment — to tell a friend who was a Filipino-American Trump Loyalist (or for short, a FATLOY, as I coined) of my proposal of using the bamboo and moringa to build the “Trump Wall” to fight the Global Warming and save tons of money for the taxpayers. He asked about the many advantages of my idea — instead of using steel and cement as building blocks for the “Trump Wall.” And so I explained to him the results of my nearly scientific research.

After Mr. Trump’s inauguration in January 2017, my FATLOY of a friend got back to me. He said that the Trump White House would not accept my idea. Why? The new POTUS allegedly wanted to build a magnificent work of art of a border wall that would cost hundreds of billions of dollars. They informed me further that it is beyond the Office of the most powerful Head of State’s dignity in the world to be boasting about using bamboo, especially coming from Mexico and moringa trees, as the border wall.

I joined Facebook Groups of Bamboo Lovers to drum up more public support. Nobody backed me up, even if they like the idea of using bamboo. The Bamboo Lovers like a lot of bamboo shoots as a vegetable but hate Mr. Trump. I am still a member of the Bamboo USA and the Bamboo Propagation and Plantation.

Next, I asked permission from the Bamboo Enthusiasts Group, where I am also a member, to use the cover photo of its site, which shows a thick cluster of bamboos that very few mammals and humans can penetrate easily. They said that the picture was public property. Here’s the link to the bamboo “wall” that I proposed.

And indirectly, my FATLOY (former) Facebook friend told me — before he unfriended me — that I should wait after 2025 — after the inauguration of the 46th President to listen to my proposal. But confidentially, he said that all Trump supporters hate the so-many jokes and satires I wrote about Mr. Trump since the GOP primary in 2015. They all hated what I had been posting online and on Facebook. He said that I was a persona non-grata to the White House Press Office, which eventually canceled my accreditation as a journalist in April 2017.

“… my bamboo and moringa proposal would not cost even one percent of the more than $100-billion wall-building budget that President Trump wanted the U.S. Congress to appropriate.”

But other friends opined that my bamboo and moringa proposal would not cost even one percent of the more than $100-billion wall-building budget that President Trump wanted the U.S. Congress to appropriate. The FATLOYs say that a billionaire president needs to show the world that he leads a country that is so rich that it could afford even a trillion dollars in building walls both in the Mexican and Canadian borders.

But as fate would have it, by Jan. 2021, Mr. Biden would be the new POTUS, and Mr. Trump would be called the BOJUS. The “BOJUS,” as I coined means “Butt Of Jokes and ‘Unpresidented’ (sic) Satires.”

(Part II of How Mexican Bamboos Can Make Joe Biden a Genius with suggested components of a Biden Doctrine” for the Southern Border with the great State of Mexico is next.)

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